


you’ll be excited to see me someday

by secretlyhuman



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Platonic Cuddling, Single Parent AU, bi jake
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-22
Updated: 2018-05-22
Packaged: 2019-05-10 07:31:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14732606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/secretlyhuman/pseuds/secretlyhuman
Summary: As Amy sat on the subway with the son Jake Peralta didn’t know about, she thought that he might have been the worse timed love of her life. She still remembered everything from before she’d run away and it still ached. But at least he seemed happy and she was too, most of the time. Rafael was the best thing that had happened to her, she’d known that from the moment he was born in the same hospital as her and her brothers had been, her mother by her side.She still had Jake’s number saved in her phone, she hadn’t used it since she left but he had. She thought of the last text he sent and her throat tightened uncomfortably. She had missed him for all these years, whether she had let herself acknowledge it or not, seeing him again had stirred it up like silt at the bottom of a river and her clean world was murky once more.





	you’ll be excited to see me someday

**Author's Note:**

> This took me way longer than it should have. This was its original title and I have no idea where its from but its probably a song lyric. This will probably be part of a series but I wanted to end it here so at least I had it mostly done. 
> 
> Thank you for reading.

Rafael was six when he met Jake Peralta. He didn’t recognise the curly haired man but he thought from the slight frown on his mother's face that she did. They’d just moved to Brooklyn which was louder and messier than the suburb he’d grown up in, and he didn’t like that his abuela wasn’t as nearby but he liked the cars and the subway. They were meant to be going on the subway, if his mom kept talking then they'd miss it and they’d have to wait on the platform and he didn’t like the edges of the tunnel so he tugged on her hand.

A look flashed across his mom’s face that he didn’t quite catch and she said goodbye to the man and they kept walking. He was confused for a moment, his mom looked sad and he didn’t like that. But as they walked she started to tell him about how the subway was built and soon he forgot all about the strange man.

…

As Amy sat on the subway with the son Jake Peralta didn’t know about, she thought that he might have been the worse timed love of her life. She still remembered everything from before she’d run away and it still ached. But at least he seemed happy and she was too, most of the time. Rafael was the best thing that had happened to her, she’d known that from the moment he was born in the same hospital as her and her brothers had been, her mother by her side.

She still had Jake’s number saved in her phone, she hadn’t used it since she left but he had. She thought of the last text he sent and her throat tightened uncomfortably. She had missed him for all these years, whether she had let herself acknowledge it or not, seeing him again had stirred it up like silt at the bottom of a river and her clean world was murky once more.

…

She saw him again three days later in their local bodega. This time she didn’t have Rafael but he was holding hands with a tall man. She tried to hide behind a rack of magazines and not look like she was snooping as she watched the two of them. Jake smiled in the way she’d only ever seen him smile at her and then pressed a peck of a kiss to the corner of his mouth. She felt her cheeks flush, swiftly turning away as none other than Jake Peralta turned the corner into the aisle.

He smiled when he saw her and her blush deepened.

“Guess we’ll be seeing more of each other Santiago.” He was so sure of it, like after all this time they were still meant to be friends and she felt the edges of an anxiety attack.

“Yeah, guess so. Want to catch up for coffee some time to make it official.” She said it with a smile that hopefully did not look as forced as it felt.

The tall man she’d seen Jake with rounded the corner and if possible Jake’s smile grew even wider.

“Amy, this is Noah.” He paused for a second. “My boyfriend.”

She’d always suspected that Jake was not quite straight so she just reached out to shake the man's hand. Then she thought of Raphael and the time and knew she had to go pick him up. But she left with her number saved in his phone and the promise of coffee and when she sat in her car the anxiety that had been building didn’t come.

…

They arranged to have coffee during her lunch break a week later. Rafael was safely at school and she had thirty five minutes before she needed to return to the gallery. For maybe the first time ever Jake had arrived before her and was sat writing in a little black notebook at a corner table, sugary drink perched on the table in front of him.

Amy hoped he couldn’t see the way her hands shook, or the slightly messy edge of her lipstick. She ordered a black coffee, wincing at the Brooklyn markup. He looked up as she walked to the table and she saw his smile form. She didn’t know what to say. He looked so happy to see her when she was probably about to ruin his life.

“How’s life.” It seemed such a normal way to start the conversation and her throat closed up but for a minute she let herself be swept up telling him about her brothers and the gallery job she would have loved in college.

“Anyway, Jake, how are you doing?” She smiled at him and he looked away from her.

“I’m not gonna lie after, after you left I wasn’t doing great but I’m really happy again.” Guilt tore through her as she thought of everything she’d done to him and what she was about to do. “Which one of your brother’s kids were you babysitting the other day?”

Tears beaded up at the corner of her eyes, the question rushing towards her like a punch. Like a car crash that she couldn’t look away from.

“Ames, is everything all right, you’re kind of scaring me here.”

“Raphael’s not one of my brothers kids.” She watched every second of realisation flash across his face and then confusion settle in. “Jake…”

“Ames, please don’t say what I think you’re about to say.”

“His names Raphael. He likes ninja turtles and the subway. He’s six and if I let him I’m pretty sure he’d only eat sour candy.” She couldn’t look at him, couldn’t bear to see the heartbreak in his voice written across his face.

There was silence for a while and when Jake next spoke his voice was heavy with tears. “I need to think for a while but I’m not going to abandon him. I won’t let that happen. I just need some space from you for a while. Meet me here again next week, same time.”

…

After he left she texted in to work and said she was ill. Then she drove home and cried in the middle of her too new apartment until she had to pick Rafael up from school.

…

The week passed in a blur of tears and it seemed like no time at all before she found herself back at the corner table of the coffee shop. This time she was there first and by the time he arrived she’d drained her first coffee and was ready to get another. He brought her one and the gesture broke her heart a little, even after what she’d done he was still Jake.

She smiled and he didn’t return it, she wondered if anything would ever be the same again.

He was the first one to cut through the silence.

“I don’t know if I can forgive this.”

“You don't have to.” The tears were there again, blurring the edges of her vision. As she said it she knew it was true, Jake Peralta could walk away from her now and she wouldn’t blame him. Wouldn’t try and stop him. She’d promised herself she wouldn’t cry but she was unsuccessful in keeping it.

“Stop crying.” His voice was sharper than she’d ever heard it, sharper than she suspected he’d meant it to be, it was enough that the tears dried as quickly as they formed. “Just tell me everything. I want to know about my son.”

…

They’d had a long day the night it happened. They’d solved an unsolvable case and they were maybe a little too drunk. She wasn’t sure who had made the first move but all that had mattered was his mouth on hers and trying to work out whose apartment was closest. Hers was and so that’s where they’d gone, making out in the back of a cab like lovesick teenagers. She thought he was the most beautiful person in the whole world. Years of pining coming together.

Just perfect.

Then three weeks later there was a late period and red lines on a white stick and she wondered how she could have been so stupid. The perfect feeling was replaced with an emptiness, like her chest had been scraped out. So she did the one thing she thought she would never do, could never do and she had ran.

She’d stayed at her parents house, in her childhood bedroom and each night she cried a little less. She’d thought about texting but never had, each day that passed making it a little harder.

Raphael had been born on a Thursday. From that moment on it was like her world had shifted, he was all that mattered. He said his first word at nine months and had started walking at ten. She cried when he went to preschool. He had his father’s hair and his mother's nose and was as smart as the two of them combined.

Despite everything she’d done he was still the best thing to ever happen to her and she was so goddamn sorry it was like a physical ache.

…

He stayed silent while she talked, eyes locked downwards and when she finished there were tears in his eyes.

“I want to meet him.” Jake had never been as sure of anything in his life. He’d missed six years and that could never be undone but he was going to step up. He was going to be a good father to his son.

“I thought you would.” She sounded drained and he almost sympathised. Almost.

“You don’t have to introduce me as his dad, Ames, but you have to introduce me.”

“I know.” It felt like he was dreaming. Like when he woke up he’d be back in his bed in his old apartment with her next to him. He wasn’t sure any of it could be real.

It was a while before either of them spoke again.

…

Before he left they arranged a dinner, something small to start. Just to introduce them and Amy’s whole stomach felt like it was turning inside out. She didn’t know what she was scared of, knew Jake would love Raphael but the fear was always with her in the days leading up to their meeting.

…

At some point in the time she’d been gone she’d learned to cook, it had suddenly seemed important once she had someone to feed. She wasn’t very good and she often ended up heating up frozen pizza but she was trying. Sometimes that felt like all she could do for Raphael - try. She would never be the best mother but she was his mother and she just wanted to do right by him.

The night of the dinner she made cheesy pasta bake and stocked the fridge with orange soda. She had told Raphael that one of her police friends was coming over. He was six so he didn’t know much about her life before but he knew she used to be a detective. Sometimes he asked her while she wasn’t still and it always left her a little speechless. He was excited to meet someone new.

Jake’s newfound punctuality meant Amy was surprised when her doorbell rang at half past six, exactly on time. She’d planned for him to be at least five minutes late but she figured she didn’t really know who Jake Peralta was anymore. He was in a nice shirt and clean jeans, something that would have been rare before and Amy tried her best to smile when she saw him at her door.

Their son was a little shy when he met his father for the second time and the regret washed over Amy anew. All the choices she’d made rang a little hollow when she realised she’d unintentionally made Jake into his father. They sat at the nice wood table she had bought and ate the pasta off of old plates. Raphael’s was blue plastic while hers and Jake’s were chipped ceramic, a housewarming gift from her mother the first time she’d moved to Brooklyn.

The dinner was awkward and Amy hated herself. They made polite conversation about the weather and the squad and at one point orchids but then Raphael was done and so she could excuse them both. The minute he was released from the table he jetted off and she turned her attention to Jake for a second.

“You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to.” She couldn’t quite bring herself to make eye contact.

“You learnt to cook.”

“It’s been a while, Peralta.”

“I missed you, Ames. I missed you every single day.”

He didn’t stay much longer, said his goodbyes to the kid in a living room covered in bright, plastic toys. Her heart hurt - she wondered if it ever wouldn’t.

…

They fell into a routine that first month after she returned. On a Tuesday she and Jake would get coffee and she’d fill him in on everything he’d missed. On a Friday he’d come to the apartment that was starting to feel like her home and have a dinner with his son. The more she saw him the more she missed him. He clearly loved Raphael, wanted to help raise his son. But he didn’t love her anymore.

Before she’d left she never would have said she took Jake Peralta for granted but maybe she had. Until he was back in her life she had blocked out the way he smiled and the way he laughed. Even after almost seven years he was still the most important person in her life. With the slightest move he could ruin her and she’d let him.

Raphael seemed to like his father at least. They had a few in jokes and sometimes he’d smile at Jake in the way he normally saved for her. The one that was like staring at the sun. He’d always looked a lot more like Jake than he had like her, pale with a mess of dark curls. He had her eyes and nose and that was about it. Seeing them together was almost perfect, there were times where they looked as though they’d never been kept apart.

…

For a while Jake was her only link to the Nine Nine and the life she had left behind and she was as fine with that as she could be. She had made her choice a long time ago. That was until, on a rainy Tuesday morning, she saw Rosa Diaz in the park down the block. Tears formed in her eyes instantly and she was glad Raphael was splashing in puddles further down the path. She collected herself, called her son to her and walked over telling him about the time Rosa had shown some school kids a bag of hands.

As she walked up Rosa nodded in acknowledgement.

“Rosa.”

“Amy.” Her voice was still a little rough and she there was something that was either blood or paint on the collar of her jacket. Rosa might have been the only person who hadn’t changed while she’d been gone.

“Rosa, this is my son Raphael. Raphael say hello to Rosa.” He looked a little awed by her until Rosa held out a fist in a gesture that she’d definitely been trained to do by Jake. They chatted for a minute about motorbikes before Raphael got distracted by the puddles once more.

“Jake told me everything, Santiago.”

“Okay.”

“It was shitty of you.” The words stung a little but Amy couldn’t say they weren’t true.

“I know.”

“I’ll deny it if you tell anyone but I almost missed you.”

“I almost missed you too.” If it had been anyone else Amy would have hugged them but it was Rosa so instead they just stood there in mutual silence until Raphael got bored of the puddles. Rosa’s forgiveness almost felt like healing and she left with her number in her phone.

…

As the month passed Amy realised she still knew nothing about Noah, the mysterious man who had stolen Jake Peralta’s heart. She knew he was tall and looked a little like Stevie Shillens and a little like some of her brothers but that was where her knowledge ended. She didn’t know if she had the right to ask, wasn’t quite sure how far her unsteady friendship with Jake extended.

Exactly thirty four days after the first family dinner, far later than he normally would Jake texted her.

_hey can i crash at yours :)))_

Confusion settled around her.

_Jake, it’s the middle of the night - are you okay?_

_i might be a little dunk_   
_drunk_   
_noah doesn’t like me when i m drunks_

She rolled her eyes while texting that she’d make up the sofa if he promised to be extra quiet and that if he woke up Rafael he was leaving straight away. He arrived twenty minutes later a little bedraggled but less drunk than he’d sounded.

Amy had forgotten how earnest his eyes got when he was hammered. They seemed to bore into her as she led him to the couch. And if she thought she heard him say I miss you as she left him there than that was just for her to know.

…

She woke up the next morning to Raphael laughing and the scent of chocolate chip pancakes and for a moment she was filled with panic at the stranger in her space. Once she’d calmed down she walked to the kitchen as quietly as she could. It looked like home. Jake and Raphael laughing together, flour on the surfaces and coffee in the pot. Her heart hurt.

…

“We need to talk about what happened on Saturday.” She didn’t mean to come across as blunt but she didn’t know what else to say. Jake stared into his coffee.

“I got drunk and I didn’t want Noah to be mad at me.”

“Why couldn’t you crash with who you were drinking with?” There was a pause. “Please tell me you weren’t drinking alone.”

“Don’t make me lie to you, Santiago.” His smile was sadder than it had been in a while.

“Jake.” She trailed off.

“Look I love family dinners but sometimes it just hits me there’s so much I’ve missed and then I realised it was the anniversary of my dad's death and like I just needed some space.”

“You’re always welcome with me, I’d always rather know you were safe okay.”

The conversation that followed was sad and it was slow but it was progress for them both. One more step towards being okay.

…

A few days later he arrived on her doorstep once more, tears streaking his face. It took a few minutes but through the sniffling and the sobs she worked out something had happened with Noah. The selfish part of her wondered if he’d ever cried for her the way he was crying for a man she barely knew. She hid Raphael away in his room with the promise of candy and pulled Jake to her threadbare sofa.

“I loved him so much.” She could barely understand him through his tears.

“I know, Jake.”

“This is your fault, he never wanted kids.”

“I’m sorry.”

…

Jake and Noah had met a year and a half after Amy had run away, right when Jake Peralta had started to superglue his heart back together. Of all people Rosa had introduced them. He was tall and he had a nice smile.

At first they’d just been friends, they went drinking together, crashed on each other’s sofas. But one night after one shot too many Jake had kissed him. To his surprise Noah had kissed him back. It had never been easy. Jake was too damaged for it too be easy, always with one foot out the door, but it had been theirs. They had been in love.

(He repeated this fact to Amy countless times.)

He was always terrified he’d wake up one morning and Noah would be gone. Like his dad and like her. But then years passed and he didn’t run. For the first time in his life Jake hadn’t been terrified of being alone.

Then she’d come back. And all his baggage had come back with her and Noah had never really wanted kids anyway and he wasn’t sure when he stopped being in love.

…

After he told the story they sat in stunned silence. Amy was aware of Raphael leaving his room so she tried to collect herself. The little boy wandered up to both of them and stared at what was happening. Seconds passed. He pulled himself into Jake’s lap, nestling into his chest. Amy felt her eyes brim with tears.

It was later while they were sitting at her wonky table, holding coffee and talking about the rest of it when she invited him to live with her. He needed somewhere to sleep and she knew Rosa wasn’t going to offer up her apartment. He left with a promise of being back soon and she thought maybe they could make it work.

…

The next night when he was back in her house trying to find blankets for the couch it hit her that she only had one bed. She wasn’t sure how she had forgotten this fact but the guilt hit her anew.

“Jake, we can share my bed if you don’t want the couch.” He raised his eyebrows and her cheeks burnt red. “Not like that.”

They argued back and forth but soon he conceded. Her couch was several inches shorter than him so he could have only slept on it indefinitely. Soon she found herself lying side by side, not touching, with the father of her child and quite possibly the love of her life. She could feel the warmth of his arm next to hers, hyper aware of his body next to hers. She wasn’t sure she slept that whole night or the next.

On the third night Jake had some sort of nightmare. He woke up sobbing his body folding inwards. She wasn’t sure how it happened but soon he was crying into her arms. That was how they fell asleep, one tangle of limbs. Amy wasn’t sure if she had slept that well at all since she’d left the Nine Nine.

…

Raphael Santiago liked Jake Peralta. He was silly and he smelt like gummy bears. This is what he told his mother one day on their drive to school. His mother nodded at him, eyes fixed firmly on the road. He continued that he would like Jake to be his dad, if that was alright with her.

When he told Jake later that day, his eyes filled with tears before pulling him into a tight hug. Raphael squirmed and patted him on a shoulder. His dad was a bit weird but he was good.

…

Everything changed again one summer night. Jake and Amy fell asleep tangled together as they did every night but she woke up to him still asleep moaning her name.

“Jake. Jake, wake up.” He startled and she wondered if he could see her blushing in the dark.

A pause stretched out between them. Amy wasn’t sure who kissed who first. She wasn’t sure it mattered because as soon as she kissed him she couldn't imagine stopping. Her whole body was on fire as she ground her hips into his. He moaned into her mouth and she smiled.

Afterwards she wondered if they’d crossed a line.

“Are you going to run away from me again?” His voice was small in the dark room.

“I don’t think I could ever run again.”

 


End file.
